Episode 384 – The Reality of House Clearance

Ingrid: Clearing a loved one's home after they have passed away is one of the most emotionally challenging decluttering experiences. Anyone can face that, there's no doubt. But nevertheless, this is a house clearance. And practicality and realism need to be a priority. In this episode, we will be talking about why your head needs to overrule your heart when you are embarking on a sensitive house clearance, if you have any chance of getting a job done.

Ingrid: Hello and welcome listeners. I'm Ingrid.

Lesley: And I am Lesley. Now, if you are here for the very first time today, or you've been listening in for ages, we want to say a huge thank you we have a little favour to ask.

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Well, hello Lesley and hello listeners. It's so good for you to, tune in again to our podcast and we are actually talking about quite a serious topic while we are at the start of December when actually probably people would expect us to be talking about presents and gifts and food and, and trees and festivities and parties, and we've chosen to

Lesley: chosen to talk about

Ingrid: how you can be sensible when you're a house away. Wow.

Lesley: I know, but you know the thing is, Ingrid sad as it may be, and it is indeed there's, it always seems worse, doesn't it? When someone passes away during this period of festivity for most people, whether that's Christmas or anything else that you celebrate, you know, it just. Adds an extra dimension somehow 'cause it should be a period of joy.

And then when you've got such a sad loss or a sudden loss, then it just makes it feel worse. Right? But I would imagine, I dunno the statistics, but I would imagine that there is many people who pass away close to Christmas or close to this festive period as any other time of the year. So, and people have to clear houses of loved ones that have passed away.

Ingrid: Yeah.

Lesley: this is something that we have spoken about before. But when we've spoken about it before, we've talked about the emotional side of it a little bit more. But nevertheless, this is a practical job that needs to be done. And so we really want to focus in today on the practical side of things, more than the emotional side of it.

But of course we will touch on the emotional side of it. 'cause this is hard stuff, isn't it? Ingrid? Most of us have done it. This is hard. This is one of the hardest decluttering things that you'll ever do, right.

Ingrid: Yeah, I think it, it, it's up there with a moving house, whether You are, You

or downsizing. Of course, you know, when

when have to sort a, a parent or parents pass away, a

really hard thing to do

Ingrid: almost always never you, it's

almost every, a lot of other people

Lesley: other people get involved in.

Ingrid: as well. whether it's brothers, sisters, family members. of course the emotions can run

Lesley: can run quite high. You know,

Ingrid: you're probably struggling with the grief of losing, the parent may

Lesley: parent,

Ingrid: that's

Lesley: most parent that's in a house,

Ingrid: or, And, and then it's on top

Lesley: it's on of everything else that's going in life, right? It's just one thing, right?

Ingrid: on. We Still have our own houses and Still have our own houses and our own jobs and things and, and caring and work and, and all the things that we need to do.

Ingrid: it's a big thing that comes on top of everything else, and I Think that's why it can feel, on top of the grief as well to do this job.

Lesley: I think there are different things as well, Ingrid, that come into play. So there's timescales that come into play. As you said. There's people that come into play. Sometimes we don't have control over when this or how this happens, and that's what this podcast is really gonna be all about. But there's no doubt at all that this is tricky because grief is coming into play.

While sometimes it can be easier in a lot of ways to. To make decisions about other people's stuff. This is one instance where every decision you make feels like you are doing a disservice potentially to the person, because that person's no longer with us to be able to make that decision about their things, we have to make it for them, and it feels wrong to kind of almost step on somebody else's territory almost.

Ingrid: mm.

Lesley: what it is. So in some ways it's easier, but in some ways it's much more difficult and I think. You know, it's not to be underestimated, but ultimately this person whose home we are dealing with had a whole entire lifetime of belongings in that home. We then potentially have our own home.

What we cannot do is amalgamate two houses into one. That is we, we know that for a fact. We can't bring all that stuff from that one house to our house. We want to shy away. As best we can from having a storage unit. Sometimes it's necessary. Sometimes it's useful if there are timescales and you're just not ready.

But nine times out of time when anybody gets a storage unit, it's, it's, it's a negative step because it just delays the inevitable, right? So avoid that at all costs. But we recognize that sometimes that is something that needs to happen.

Ingrid: Yeah.

Lesley: But let's, let's jump straight in and go. Yes, we recognize of course, that this is emotional, this is difficult, and we need to think about our grief and think about ourselves and make sure we manage that as we go along.

Ingrid: Hmm.

Lesley: think about the practicalities of this. The most difficult thing that we are gonna deal with in this is family dynamics and different perspectives on the way that this needs to be done. This is. When people are involved, this is the hardest thing that we need to deal with. Right. Stuff doesn't fight back, but people do.

And so let's talk about the family dynamics that are gonna be involved in decluttering and what we, what we like to call sensitive house clearance. 'cause ultimately it is clearing a house out whether we like it or not. We are clearing a house out so they can be sold and passed onto its next owner normally.

Right. So let's talk about family dynamics. Ingrid I think the first thing you need to do is ask who needs, to be in this? Right? Because it's very easy to overlook a person when you're in the middle you know? for the person and, and I Think A lot of it also depends, Lesley, how quickly a house needs to be, as well.

Some, some houses need to be emptied within a week, you know, so then it completely just puts the pressure on. Sometimes you have a bit more time and you can do a little bit more thinking about it. But I think the first needs is who is this involved in the first place? Is it going to be, only the, the, the, your brothers and sisters?

Is it going to be maybe the best friend of your mom or dad? Is it going to be nephews or nieces, that, that want to be involved? So who's going to be in this group of people or are you realizing, well, this is all nice and well, that I want everybody else to be involved, or, I think other people one need to be involved, but they all Live miles away so I probably I'm gonna be the one who's to do all the hard work, but that still doesn't mean you can't exclude them. Whether they're far away or not, there probably still has to be communication. I think that is step one. Identifying. Who needs to be involved in this project.

And then I think then maybe the next step is what are indeed, what can we expect of people? What are their strengths? Are there people who are good at paperwork are more stronger and have good, you know, more physical ability to help and carry a lift? Is there. Person who can be in the Organising is just somebody who's really good at Research. a strange item or maybe an expexnsive item, we all have our strengths and I think it can be really helpful to think in advance. Okay. And, and then talk to the person. I think you could you be involved maybe in this way, and this is something that you actually do. also the far away. do you see yourself coming down. so we can in person some stuff or is that absolutely not possible with. How far you live and how difficult a travel is or their own health condition or whatever. And then do we need to set up a weekly Zoom or, or, or set up a WhatsApp group where we can, you know, put questions on?

So, whew. I think you need to make a plan. I think a plan and, and kind of thinking these things through is, is essential.

Lesley: I think it is, and I think, you know. We potentially have already come out of a tricky time of planning, when it's been the funeral and things like that. And so tensions may already be high or it might be fine. Do you know what I mean? I think within a family, if there are brothers and sisters, I, I do count myself as lucky in this instance that there's just me with my dad.

Right. Makes it a lot easier I think, because it's just like, it's just gonna be me that does it, and nobody else needs to be involved in that. So in some ways it's much simpler. Although it can be hard doing it on your own as well, so there's flip sides to that. I think we need a planning meeting and I think everybody needs to go into that planning meeting, whether that's on Zoom, face-to-face, whatever, with an open mind and a, and a, an ability to be honest.

In terms of those things that you've discussed already, Ingrid, like what do you feel like your strengths are? Like what's your workload like? How realistic is it? That you can spend every weekend doing this if this is what it's gonna take. Is this something that we're going to, that you're gonna, everyone's gonna take a week off work and you're gonna spend a week doing it.

Is this somebody that naturally. Is a better person to do this. but is that person not going to then be resentful? 'cause quite often there is one person in a, in a family that takes for whatever reason. Do you know what I mean? That does the lion's share of the caring or the work. And that might already be established at this stage because.

If that person has become elderly or has struggled along the way, then they might already have taken on that role. And so, but I think we need to lay our cards on the table and everybody needs to be able to put in from a practical perspective.

Ingrid: Yeah.

Lesley: representation of what they think their strengths are and how they think they can help, and that needs to be, this is not like, let's go to Mum's house next weekend and make this up.

As we get there. This is like, let's plan this so we know when we're getting to mum's house next weekend. What the roles and responsibilities are, where everyone's gonna work, what we can expect of people, and then, and then we can kind of re-shift focus as we work along. This is not something, I think the problem is that people are nervous if, if, you know, families are quite often difficult, right?

And so. Yeah, like really often, you know? And even if they're not, you know, as again, this is a tense time and so allowing that ability to get our voice out in the open is gonna be really helpful. Now, you know, we talk about sensitive house clearance. This is something that we do as professional organizers as well, isn't it, Ingrid?

And what we can then do as well. We shouldn't do it. It's not really our job. But what often happens is that we become mediators and so we can mediate within a family and sort of start to see different people coming to the fore with ideas and their strengths and all that kind of stuff. So getting a professional, getting somebody who's a good mediator might be helpful as well.

You know, recognizing. That the tensions and somebody can kind of plan and assign, you know, I was talking to my dad last night actually about something that's going on in his retirement property and it's all about, doing it by committee. You know, committee is tricky, isn't it? You know, to get unanimous decisions based on committees and it typically slows things down.

And so the will probably needs to be somebody who's assigned as the kind of. The main focus or the kind of manager of the project, it needs to be done almost like a work project, doesn't it? So I think that, so I suppose the. The message here is don't just rock up and hope for the best pre-plan and let everybody get things out in the open.

So that's from a practical perspective, but it's also from a stating in your claim to things that might be tricky. Right? So in a whole house of stuff, we're gonna talk about the practicalities and the, the stuff itself later. There will be some things that people have got their eye on, you know, things that have been promised, discussions that have been had, all of that.

We need to get all this out in the open because it might be that grandma has offered it to one person's all stuffed it to another person. So we need to get all that difficult stuff out in the open before we get there, because otherwise it's just gonna cause tension. Right.

Ingrid: Yeah. Yeah. And I think also you need to have that realistic, that you can make a plan with all of the best intentions and, and the moment you rock up, the plan goes out of the water

Lesley: The.

Ingrid: people have hadn't had their time to think about it. So be aware that the plan need to be tweaked a little bit and a, a thing a person thought they would be good at, they might not be good at, or a thing that people said they could commit to doing. might happen. So I think that having that open communication as much as possible throughout the clearance is really, really important as well. And I agree with you, Lesley. You know it, it's really important that, especially with. the, that first kind of round of who wants what and what's sensible or, you know, multiple conversations need to take place and you can't just go, well, that's what I want and that's the last of it. Everybody needs to be able to go, okay, does that make sense? And, oh, but I actually really wanted that too. And, and you have to negotiate. It's negotiating. In the end, it is all coming to, to an agreement of the best steps forward. Same goes with the money, you know, things ha. A person probably needs to be in charge of the money and probably bills still need paying.

Things need wrapping up. You can't go well. Right.

The house is empty, so we cut down all the light water and electricity while we're still there working in the house. Somebody, but maybe somebody else then says okay. You probably wanna have somebody else who's involved with that too. So you can always say later, look, we've agreed it.

And maybe say, right, if there's amounts over, I don't know, a hundred pound or 500 pound, we need to inform everybody else what's happening so we know what's going on. Because it can really, that I think. You know, the house itself, the stuff and the money are, are three things that can really influence everybody's decisions, and I think that's what makes it tricky.

Of course, you've got, indeed, you've got the whole, Practical thing of, of clearing, clearing the house, but it's always everything. The, the, the, The.

family dynamics that have gone for like forever. That's what's going to, you know, make it feel like, oh, I now have to be in a room with that person. And I really, still remember that Christmas from 20 2003 when that happened.

You know what I mean? it's all, it's all comes, you know, it all will all come up.

Lesley: I know it's tricky. That's for sure. I, I, I can feel like my stress rising already just thinking about it. I'll tell you what, Ingrid, let's pop to a break and let's come back and talk a little bit more about the stuff and the process itself after the break.

Ingrid: Right everyone, welcome back. We are talking about how you can sensitively clear a house after someone's, passing away. And, we talked about a lot about the, emotions can kind of come to the surface when this project is taking place. But in the end, we have to put our practical thinking on the forefront.

We have to put our Organising hat on our decluttering hat on and go. Okay. Well, whatever happens, this house needs to be emptied because it probably needs to be sold. It needs to be given back to the person that we are renting it from. We can't make this a process that's gonna be drawn at over years and years because we don't want a house to be emptied that long.

We don't wanna be paying for possibly a rent or a mortgage that long, so we need to get cracking here and. However you wanna do it. If somebody's lived in a house, whether they've lived there five years or 20, I mean, okay, if they've lived there 50 years, there's probably a lot more stuff in, in if, when they've lived there five years.

But you know, we know there's lots of stuff to deal with.

Lesley: I think the most important thing. You know, and this, as I say, we, we, we have experience of this as professional organizers is laying out the parameters of the stuff. So obviously we've had these discussions, you know, we've, we've laid out things, we've talked about the kinds of things that we want, you know, the kind of headline things that we want.

Then it comes down to just stuff, right? Shampoo balls, you know. Kind of scouring things in the kitchen cloths, tea towels, tins of beans, et cetera, right? We need to not give any energy to those things at all. Like that is not where our energy needs to go. Yes, we need to do it from a practical perspective, but what we need to do is we need to focus on getting that stuff out.

We need an outlet. We need to work out where all that stuff is gonna go. Yeah, ideally not to our house. 'cause we lived without those baked beans before and I'm sure we can live without them again, unless there's a specific reason. You may be better just going, right, I've got a charity coming to collect all the food stuff, so whatever.

This is another thing that needs to be organized in advance, right. If you've got your outlets, then your logistics is sorted. You need to get those people. That's why it's great if one person is less good at making decisions, but better at kind of dealing with communication. Or one person can go to the tip, one person can deliver stuff to, a homeless refuge or.

Whatever that might be. Those are the kind of jobs that you can divvy up, but do not get bogged down in who's gonna have the shampoos. That is not what this is about. You have to look at things from a practical perspective and that those things do not need your attention. They're just practical things that need to go out of the house.

Your attention needs to be on the more sentimental stuff, the letters, the jewelry. You know, the odd item of clothing that is gonna represent your mom, your dad, your auntie, whoever that might be, you know, and we're gonna need to sort of take out those highlights and everything else is just gonna need to get bagged up and go.

It's hard. We're not saying it's not hard, but if you can determine what those highlight things are right from the beginning, it makes things a whole lot easier. We do this as professionals. We walk round with the client and we go, right. Where do you wanna go with this? Because we know as professional organizers when we come across things, what kind of things are potentially important?

So if the client says to us, I'm happy for all the clothes to go, but I like this, this coat that reminds me of my mom more. She promised me this, or I'd really like to, to think about keeping her wedding dress for as Christine Gown, or whatever that might be. Those are the kind of things that we would know as professional organizers would be something that we would then wanna talk to the client.

So when we work as professional organizers. Often we can do this on our own with these parameters in place because it is more about house clearance than it is about decluttering and making decisions about individual things. So that's where you need to get to when you're doing this yourself. Don't try and look at this on.

On a one item by item basis, we need to be looking at huge categories of stuff and what is worth your energy going forward. Really, really important. You might go, do you know what toiletries? There might be some good stuff in there, but let it all go Kitchen stuff. Let it all go. Pots and pans, let it all go.

I've got a house full of stuff. I don't need that stuff unless you know your mum or dad had a fantastic knife. That you, you know, that's worth 200 quid or whatever that you'd love to have that you've had your eye on for years. But mostly it's just stuff and you've got that stuff in your own house. Don't be amalgamated two houses into one and overwhelming your own space.

So if you can make those practical decisions category by category, it makes it a whole lot easier, doesn't it, Ingrid? And we don't get bogged down with it.

Ingrid: yeah, for sure, for sure. And I agree with you, Lesley, having that right outlet for it.

is really important. I think that a lot of the research ou do. before you've even when the house. is there a charity? local to you that can maybe where you. Easily drop off. Is there, or can they even collect? I, I once emptied a, a flat for, for, with, with, member. Their dad had, passed away And we found a charity that would love to have the books, and he had hundreds of them. So we started booking them all up and bagged them all up, and then the charity came and they could then load it into the elevator.

Ingrid: it lived on the eighth floor of an, of, of, of a large apartment building, and they could then load it all up and we didn't have to then. Block it all downstairs, put it in the car, drive it away. So logistical things like that can really help. I agree with you. Is there a homeless charity that can use a lot of the shampoos and the things, get in contact with them and say, right, we're clearing a house. Do Do this stuff you need? Can it go to a food bank? Can you drop it supermarket, or can you go to the food bank directly with end date food? Right. So, what's I think, is that you really try and clear some space in the beginning because I think it really overwhelming. And if you start focusing on the sentimental items, on the ornaments, on the letters, on the Photographs it Photographs can whoa, whoa this is but If you can start with more practical things and get some created, then you will see progress happening. So I think that can really keep you going in the project.

Lesley: Yeah, definitely. And I think I would go so far as to as to kind of almost break down each room in the house by category. So, you know, in the kitchen for example, you could, you know, you could just go food, non-food, sentimental. Paperwork. 'cause there's bound to be bits and bobs around in a kitchen like junk drawer type things and batteries and all that.

And this is where we get bogged down 'cause we're like, oh, those batteries are useful, you know, but are they, do you know what I mean? Are they gonna be useful to you going forward or is it just gonna be one more thing that you need to deal with? And so I would break those things down. And, and this is in your planning meeting with your family or whoever's helping you go, do you know what we, we know that we can make some.

Quick, big wins in these areas. We don't want to keep anything from the kitchen within, you know, there might be an not couple of things, but mostly most of the kitchen stuff can go. So let's get that out of the, out of the way. You know, a garage, a shed, a lot of that stuff can probably go, you know, tools and toys and all of that kind of stuff.

Do you need a skip? Or a dumpster if you're, elsewhere in the world, you know, is that gonna be useful? 'cause there will be some stuff that is not gonna be able to go to charity, particularly if it's an older person's house and, you know, some of the stuff is really old and is not gonna have a second life.

And so think about whether or not that's gonna be useful, but please. Shy away from the idea of throwing everything in a skip because we want to reuse and repurpose where possible. So that's why we really urge you to get in contact with places that can use this stuff and give it a second life. You know, we don't wanna be just chucking stuff away just because.

So that's really what it's all about, is the practical side of really seeing it for what it is you have to get. This house gone. You have to get the contents of that house for the most part. Probably 85 to 90% of those things need to not be kept. Maybe 10% can get split amongst the rest of the family. it can stay in the family, but most of that house is going and so you'd need not to be pouring over it.

Item by item. Yes, you've got, you're gonna have to kind of do that, but that's why house clearance companies can come in. So you could go and cherry pick your favorites and then get house clearance company to come in and do that for you. Also possible as well. and so just think about how you're doing it.

It's a stressful job. It's not an easy job. It's fraught with tension. You're in the middle of a grieving situation. You might have time pressures on, which is horrible if you don't. There's arguments that say, just go for it and get it done. And there's, there is another argument that says, take your time over it and don't put yourself under any pressure.

And that is very much dependent on you as an individual, isn't it? Ingrid?

Ingrid: Yeah. Yeah, I think so. Definitely that. And I think I definitely want to reiterate your message of, please just Don't bring everything you, because we see it, whoel rooms in people's houses, you're like, oh, what are these boxes that's all the, the stuff that I took from my mom or my dad's house and I and able it or look at it since. And there, and then often their own house is sometimes. you know, because we live in, in a world with lots of clutter, people, they already have quite a lot of clutter themselves. And on top of that, they've then got boxes and boxes full of. or Their mom, dad's or aunt's house or grandma's. sometimes all of the above.

And it's like, how do You then work your way through it? Because it's so tempting to see the value in all of the items, and go, oh, but I can use that. That might come in handy and that will be sensible. And why would I throw away that shampoo if it's still a new bottle? If you've got your own shampoo, you always like a certain brand, you not suddenly going to switch that from your, from your aunt's house, if you know what I mean. So you have to really be honest with yourself and go, am I out the best of the best here? how am I going to pick out that quality over that quantity? How can I decide,

Ingrid: Okay, bring all the ornaments and all. I'm gonna need to pick and choose, and I think because. We know, we want everything these days, right? Very much and we can order everything and we can buy everything, but it's another one, those things. you have to go, Okay I have to choose. And that's something I think. People find very hard because might make the wrong decision.

But I think, you I think your guts, which items can be really, really helpful for you and which are just you trying to alleviate the guilt of giving stuff away, putting it in Landfill

donating it, and the money involved and all of those things, and trying to sell things. Realism is, I think, a key part in, in, in doing a good sensitive house clearance.

Being realistic about your own energy, about how you're gonna done, the time you have, how you're gonna do it together, how you're gonna communicate. I think realism is absolutely key.

Lesley: So just to summarize, Ingrid, I think number one is you cannot do this without a plan, and you need to make sure that everybody who's. kind of involved in this process or needs to, has got a stakeholder, let's call 'em, anybody like that needs to be communicated with. It's all about that communication.

It's about that mediation. It's about letting everybody have a voice and state their claim and explain how they can help, whether they can't help, so everybody knows about what's. Going on. It's about not focusing too much on the small items. We need to be looking category by category, and we need to have outlets for these things as well.

We need to have that pre-planned. We need to have an exit plan more than normal. We need to have an exit plan. 'cause normally when we're working on our own home, it's just little, you know, three or four bin bags at a time. This is gonna be colossal amounts of stuff if it's a full home. So we really need to have that in place.

In place, but more important than anything else is we need to come out of this with our sanity intact. We need to safeguard our own kind of mindset, our thought process. It. It is not about the stuff, it's about the ability to remember that person with fondness. And if you've gone through this hideous process for six months of pouring through the detail of everything in their home, all that serves to do is to make this more painful than it needs to be.

So just see that stuff for what it is, which is mostly 85, 90% just stuff, and just come out of this with your sanity intact.

Ingrid: Definitely, definitely. So listeners, we hope that this podcast has been helpful for you And we hope that you can work with, with the advice that we give you. And we would love for you to let us know about a sensitive house clearance that you've done. What were the things that went smoother than you thought happen? What were the things that were hard? What surprised you? were you actually thinking, wow, actually it, it went a lot easier than I thought. But that, and that was trickier. Tell us, let us Know Leave a comment We would love to hear from you and yeah, we hope to see you next week for our next episode.But for now, thanks so much for listening and or watching. Have a good week.